Visitation was painful today

Today's visitation with Thomas' aunt went pretty rough.

After we got there we ended up walking him into the office, followed by this very young looking aunt (with her own baby). She began speaking in Spanish to him and calling him by his birth name (not Thomas), he wouldn't even look at her, he just clung to Jim tight. He was looking all around the reception area, anywhere but where this young lady was standing. The SW opened the door to the visitation room and the aunt entered with her baby in tote. This room was no more than a 8x8, with a table, three chairs and a two-way window. A room that you'd see police doing an interrogation on a criminal after a crime. The walls were painted pink, the white tile floor and no toys or any children's things anywhere. The SW followed and Jim set Thomas down so he could walk in there. Thomas quickly turned around and latched on to Jim's leg with a scared look on his face. Jim picked him up and carried him into the room. Set him down and walked out. Thomas ran quickly back out crying and grabbed Jim's again. I began to head to the door, as I could feel myself starting to lose it. The aunt came out, and Jim handed Thomas to her. When he started to cry, she turned with Thomas and said give Daddy a kiss good-bye. Thomas reached for Jim. Jim turned to me with a look in his eyes that showed tears were about to hit him too. They left into the room, and we walked toward the door. All we could hear was loud crying. Both of us headed quickly to the car, got in and both felt like our hearts had been ripped out. Something didn't feel right. Our baby was left alone in a strange room with strange people without Mommy & Daddy. We went to Wal-Mart to get some diapers (not 5 minutes away). As we stood in line to pay for our diapers, my cell phone rang. The SW began talking to me, but all I could hear were screams of fear coming from our child. She asked me if he'd eaten. I told her yes about 1.5 hours before. I told her we were on our way back there. Jim drove like a maniac or rather a concerned father back to the County building. We both walked very quickly from our car, to the room where our baby was screaming. Jim went in first. Thomas immediately reached for Daddy. Jim grabbed him and held him very close. As I walked in, Thomas reached for me. His little face was beat red from crying. Tears were streaming down his cheeks. As I wrapped my loving arms around our son, his little body was stiff with fear and he was shaking from head to toe. He laid his head into my body and clung on to me. The aunt said to Jim, "He just wanted his Mommy & Daddy." As we sat there for a short time, Thomas didn't cry but clung to us tightly. As the SW began to end our visitation, the aunt requested a picture with Thomas. I was sitting not 4 feet from her, and Jim stood up with Thomas in his arms and handed him to her. He stepped back to take this picture. Thomas began kicking and screaming as he reached for Jim. The SW made a comment like "He might have thought he was going to be taken from you. Every time he has been removed from a home environment, this SW has taken him away. It was obvious to us, that Thomas knew who his Mommy & Daddy were. He knew who loved him and protected him. He knew he belonged with us. On the way home, he drifted off to sleep, but would wake up screaming and look at us. Then he'd nod back off to sleep. Jim believes he was reliving the event in his dreams and was looking for us. When he saw we were there, he went back to sleep. When we got to my parents to pick up our dinner, my wonderful parents had so graciously prepared for us, Thomas was merely taken from the car seat into my mom's arms. She hugged him and told him how much she loved him. They didn't show, but I could tell my mom was fighting tears of joy to have him back in our arms. We tried to keep his night as much as normal as possible. Some of his eating manners were similar to when we picked him up from Polinsky Children's center. We just loved on him and laughed with him tonight.

We know we are truly parents because we were fearful for him and his thoughts. Those images of leaving him in that room, hearing his cry and then seeing his traumatized body, has left us saddened for him. Such a little guy and he has gone through so much. We pray that this adoption goes through quickly and that Thomas doesn't have to experience anymore of that. We pray that God protects his little mind and wipes away all fear. We pray that he knows how much our family loves him and how much we have prayed for him. He is peacefully sleeping in his crib, with his blanket, and his glow-worm. We know that we probably will be waken by his cries tonight as he wakes up with those dreams. Poor little guy!


Our favorite adoption song is by is now playing on our blog.  It's called "Born From Our Heart (The Adoption Song)" by mr. RAY...  Jim and I first heard it the first night we picked up Thomas from the orphanage.  It seems that everytime we have seeds of doubt or problems, this song is played on the radio (Kids Place-Sirius/XM).