God is Good..........we have to hold on to that!!

God is Good to me because:
- He blessed me with the best husband & friend in the world. Jim is an amazing husband who is brave, faithful, supportive and loving.
- He has given me loving, supportive and amazing parents.
- Where would I be without the love of my brother (his wife & girls).
- I am blessed because I have a home which is because of my hard-working husband.
- I am blessed because I have many wonderful friends who have surrrounded me with love.
- I am blessed to be living in a FREE Country.
- I am blessed to have food to eat and clothes to wear.
- I am blessed because I have HOPE.
- We are blessed because we have amazing family from East Coast to West Coast and in between!
- I am blessed because I have you!!
- I am truly blessed because I am the daughter of a King, the Lord of lords and the creator of all things, Jesus Christ

I have been praying for the BM and the baby. When she met us, hopefully she felt the prescence of God in our lives. Maybe this is a new beginning for her. We will never know, but we must remember them in our prayers.

In all things we can find good and blessings. In my life, I am focusing on all the good things right now. One day at a time......

"Congratulations"

We are learning how to handle our emotions when some friends/coworkers wish us that very thing. We understand that not everyone has heard the sad news, they only heard the initial happy news. However, we just kindly answer them with love and share some information about how it didn't work out. It is amazing how living in such a small town, how fast word travels through our jobs, and friends. It's also nice to feel many of those same people surround us with love & grace, during our time of grief. I'm not sure if it's part of the grieving process or what, but I find myself feeling kinda "numb" to the whole topic when people ask about it. Is that normal? My heart is still sad, and oh how I wish that nursery door was open with the smell of baby powder and cooing of a little baby, instead of a dark, quiet and with a closed door. I've never gone through this type of grieving process, so I'm not sure if this is part of it. I know when we lost the baby (3 years ago), I was sad, but I don't remember this part of the sadness.
I have been such a busy girl lately, that I find myself having only little time at home. Being busy is helping to keep my mind off of things. Today I actually took a long nap after work. Still feel emotionally tired. Of course Jim is gone, so I have had more quiet time, too.
Anyways, please continue your prayers for both of us. Every day is one day toward healing. Thank you again for all the cards, emails & kind words of encouragement.

Which way do I go?

Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. Psalm 25:4-5

It's been a week since we met her

Last Thursday night we were filled with so much excitement. Hubby was working on creating a special (Firefighter type) birth announcement to send to friends. Friends and family were referring to baby as Jonathan, the name we chose. Friends were bringing things by to fill the nursery. We were so nervous about becoming parents, yet so excited to meet our son. The BM had been speaking with our SW and was so happy to meet us in person. She felt certain that we were the family she wanted to place her unborn son with. We definitely didn't see what was coming...........
We still find ourselves wondering what does he look like? Is she feeling okay? Are they both safe? Does BM think of us? Questions we will never have answers to. But we encourage you to pray for her as they both move on.
We do feel your prayers and love, because we find that we can talk about it a little more without tears. But, we find ourselves feeling sad at certain times of the day and night. It feels like we have had a death in the family. Smiles on our faces feel superficial, because our hearts are still aching. We know that God is our strength and that only through Him will we be able to heal from this pain. We couldn't imagine going through this without God's love and arms to hold us.

The meals that have been brought to us, have been such a blessing. The friends who call just to check on us, are so comforting. My parents who continue to stop by or call are also, encouraging. We never knew that something like this, that we only knew 2 weeks ago, could affect us so much.
For those of you who we don't personally know who've prayed for us, we can't say how much that means. We love each one of you.
One day at a time.................................... He'll wipe our tears away.

I thought it was my last post, but this is for you

I am so thankful to have so many friends & family in our lives. I wouldn't be able to get through without my husband's love, strength and his shoulders to lean on. He is so strong even when he's hurting. I have always thought of him as my teddy bear (warm & hug-gable, always there). I don't know why this is happening, but I couldn't think of a better husband to go through this, than with him. As a couple we have been turning to God. I apologize, because yesterday we turned our backs on Him. We felt He had left us, let us fall and let us hurt. The bible tells us in many places that God never leaves His children, rather He holds us in His arms and loves on us. Today I heard this song on the radio that I haven't heard since our miscarriage (3 years ago).

Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns (Jim will put it on our blog soon)

I was sure by now God you would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain “I’m with you” And as You mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away I’ll praise You in this storm And I will life my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I cry You hold in Your hand You've never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry You raised me up again My strength is almost gone How can I carry on If I can’t find You
I lift my eyes unto the hills Where does my help come from?My help comes from the Lord The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I just find comfort in knowing that every tear we have cried He's holding them in His hand. While some days it's hard to say that and hard to feel that, God always loves us. As for all of you amazing friends & family. We would not get through this if you weren't there. Every comment and email I get brings tears to my eyes. To know that so many people care about us and understand. For those friends/family who've just sat and listened to us mourn, I thank you. For those friends who are sharing meals and blessings, I am so grateful. And for every word you've posted in our comment section, I feel so blessed and I won't lie, every word from every one of you chokes me up. Just to see how in times of saddness, friends & family are always there, just like our Saviour. So I can't gaurantee this is my final post because God just keeps tugging at my heart to share with you this journey. Just like He's not done working in our lives, I guess I'm not done with this blog. It may or may not have news of a baby/babies, but it will have our testimony of how God is using this journey to make us stronger day by day. Mom shared with me this little song last night: One day at a time, Lord Jesus is all I'm asking of you.
Please continue to lift up BM and the baby boy. May God protect her and watch over that little boy where ever she goes. God can do many things with anybody.
Please know that we are feeling better because of your thoughts and prayers. Thanks for understanding our grieving hearts. May God bless you with His mercy, too.

It is what it is....

We have both been so emotionally drained. Last night was the first night in a week, that we were able to go to bed early. We were tired from crying and feeling so many other emotions. Today we are going out to the movies, to try to move on. We will continue to seek God's will and his direction for our lives. We pray that BM and the baby are safe. We pray that God will surround them with his arms of protection in their situation. We appreciate and can feel all of your prayers. We have gone from a happy time in our lives to the grieving time of a very sad situation. Not sure how long that will take, but with your love, prayers and God's strength, we will get through this. We will keep this blog and will post any new adoption updates, but as of now, there really isn't much to post after this one. We have read every comment and each one means so much to us. Emails are also very comforting. And of course continued prayers, too! We have chosen to close the door to the nursery and wait until it's the right time to go in there and clean up. We are both going back to work tomorrow. Like I said, it's best to try to move on, no sense in sitting here surrounded by constant reminders of what happened.
Again, thanks for everything. We are so blessed to have you all in our lives.

**It is still hard to talk about it, but we know that can be part of the healing process. Just give us a few days before any phone calls.**

"Done Deal"

We just received word from our Social Worker that CPS couldn't find enough evidence to pursue this case. Basically they (the hospital and CPS) are going to let BM walk out tomorrow with the baby back to the shelter. The Social Worker wants to put us immediately back on the "available" list for child placement. She said that we are one of the best families on the list and will be placed at the top and could have another placement/adoption opportunity soon, she said she would not be surprised if we heard something within 2 weeks (not getting our hopes up). We still have 24 hours before BM can change her mind, however, it looks like she is not going to. Please pray for us. This is such a very sad situation and our hearts are crushed. We are so emotionally drained right now.

**Again, please hold phone calls right now, we need to go

through the grieving process, as a couple.**

PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!!!

Our Social Worker called to inform us the Jonathan was born this morning @ 1 am. She also informed us that BM was now starting to reconsider and keep her baby. We are now waiting the 24 hrs to see what will happen. She believes that she can leave with the baby to the shelter but does not fully understand that the hospital Social Worker has already notified CPS and has stated the she WILL NOT leave with the baby based on her previous history (will keep private).

So what happens now? At first we got very angry with God, we could not understand why he would lead us down this road with such obvious signs that he was at work. But after taking a walk together and sitting at the park, we kicked the Devil's tempting thoughts out of our heads and prayed. We then notified our Social Worker and told her we would still wait the 24 hrs and would consider "Concurrent Adoption (FostAdopt)". Obviously, this is a higher risk that her family could come into the picture now and take the baby. BM was and has been very adamant that she does NOT want her child in the Foster system. Knowing that this could happen may sway her to go forward with the adoption.

Please continue to pray for BM that she will consider all the possibilities and that God will guide her heart to make the right choice for her and Jonathan. Pray for us that we can remain strong and not let the Devil tempt our faith!

At this time please do not call as this is an emotional roller coaster for us.

Bundle of Nerves for a Bundle of Joy

Well,
Here we sit waiting. We finally got hold of our Social Worker this morning. No updates yet from last night. We can only assume that Jonathan has arrived but there is no confirmation yet. Our Social Worker wants to wait until 10am, an hour and half (it feels like it will be 10 hours) before she call the case worker. She does not want to disturb Denise (Birth Mom) or her case worker in case they were up late with labor/delivery.

Please continue your prayers for Denise, Jonathan and for our nerves...

Update

We just got the call from our Social Worker. She called to inform us that Denise was now at the Hospital and that her water broke. The plan for now is to be at the hospital tomorrow morning. It has been planned for sometime and was Denise's request to spend some time saying goodbye to her son before we take him home, this is part of the healing process. So it looks like tomorrow even if Jonathan is born today/tonight. Our Social Worker advised us to get some sleep tonight, Yea right!, we haven't slept all week....

Pins and Needles

I guess for an adoptive Father this is a close to waiting for your child to be born (a lot of pacing). We have been on "Pins and Needles" as we wait for that call to head to the hospital. Every time the phone rings our hearts race, we jump and then answer and say "Oh, it's you!, no baby yet" (No offense to those callers intended)! I think our social worker was trying to keep us at ease by not having any updates called in. She instructed the birth mother's case worker not to call until the delivery is immanent, so that we would not keep getting false alarm calls. However, the not hearing anything is just as frustrating. Today is Jonathan's due date. We thought (hoped) that when BM had her cervix scraped on Friday that it would happen by Saturday. However, she did warn us that her child would probably be stubborn like her and her family. So, as we have waited on God's timing, we may be waiting on Jonathan's as well. Keep the prayers going for both Jonathan and BM!!

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"You've been chosen"

(again sorry for the lengthy post)

Those were the words I heard on the phone from the SW last Wednesday afternoon. I was in shock and felt shaky. Could this be real? Did I hear her right? She gave me some info on the BM and asked if we wanted to meet her SW? I called Jim at work and shared the news with him "are you serious" was his response. I felt like saying "would I joke about that?" You could hear in his voice the excitement, yet caution. We have been down this road 2 previous times that didn't work out. We set up a time to meet with her SW that week, to find out more information. We have always prayed about things, but we prayed very hard after this phone call. I called our closest friends and asked for prayer that if this was God's will, it would be made known. We also prayed that if this isn't His will, that too, would be clear. The joy that we felt was undescribable. I shed a few tears, but mostly wanted to acknowledge God and praise Him for this very moment. Word spread rather quickly (thanks to a small town), and people prayed more and more for us and this situation. Our meeting came early Friday morning and we prayed before we went in. When we left, we both had this peaceful feeling that this was the baby God has chosen for us. Again, it was such a wonderful feeling that words can't even express it. The SW told us she didn't want an answer until Monday. We shared with our close friends, Brian & Kay and also with our mentors, Josh & Heidi; some of the in depth information and we spent time in prayer together. We felt that God wanted them to be in our lives at this moment and to share in our joy. Monday morning at 8:00 I called the SW with our answer......can you guess what it was?
The next step was to meet the BM. We met this young BM and we were so happy to hear her story that got her to this moment. She new from the moment she found out she was pregnant, this baby would be placed in adoption. Not one moment through this 9 months has she changed her mind. We asked her what made her chose us? She shared that the Adoption Agency gave her 3 profiles to read. The first 2 she felt were nice families, but didn't feel a connection. She said she began reading ours and couldn't stop crying. She said she knew that we were the family she wanted to adopt her unborn baby. Again, it's words like this that make us think God had planned all this. He gave her those thoughts (to place for Adoption) from the beginning and she was guided to our profile. We found out some more information (will remain private) that once again confirmed loud and clear that, yes God has planned this!
So here we are waiting to meet our new baby boy, Jonathan. We have never felt that God has left us, we just felt that He wasn't listening to us. We have never ever felt God's prescence in our home & lives as we do now. When I am in the nursery, folding blankets or arranging the baby powder, and folding baby clothes, I just feel in awe of God and so blessed to be His daughter.
The morning after the phone call, I couldn't get this baby and BM off my mind. I laid awake from 3:15-3:55, when at 4:00 I felt this strong urge to get up. I could hear God whisper to my heart, "I have never left you, my child. I have always promised you that I will answer your prayers. You just had to trust me and let me be in full control. I love you and want to see you happy." I truly believe that God woke me up, to call me to Him. I felt that God wanted me, in the quiet hours of the early morning to spend time with Him. I felt God's prescence that morning.
So now we wait with anticipation and anxiousness to meet our angel, our son, our answer to prayer. We acknowledge that God is in control and we can't wait to raise this son up to know Jesus and accept Him into his life.

A Quick History (Sort of)

Well, this is the start in a new chapter of our life and a new Blog for that chapter. I helped my wife to set up this blog and was asked to make the first posting. I will try to be brief but there is so much to catch you up on that I apologize in advance for the length.

We have been married for 12 ½ years and God has blessed us both with a great relationship, family, friends and occupations. However, a child for us has not been in the plan as of yet, as most of you probably know, our plans don’t always match up to God’s plan. For whatever reason, doctors cannot tell us why we have infertility issues, all tests come back good and all they can come up with is theories. We started to consider adoption about six years ago and started to pray for God’s guidance. I should say now, we were not always good listeners. We started the adoption process with Bethany Christian Adoption agency but quit at the beginning for 2 reasons. One reason we still were holding on to have a biological child and was looking into procedures the second was that it would cost close up to $30,000. We wanted a baby in need of a family to love him/her not to purchase one. So we pursued some medical intervention which failed (3 attempts, one first trimester miscarriage). This devastated us and at first made us angry at God. We could not understand why so many people who should not be having children do, but we could not. Here we are at the fork in the road, do we spend $10, 000+ on advance medical procedures that could fail or pursue adoption? We prayed and prayed, we felt God was ignoring us. One night my wife and I prayed together, when done we turned on the TV and saw an ad for the County Adoption. Like I said , it was like God was ignoring us. A couple of days later my wife and I attended our weekly community church bible study. The verse we studied that night was, Romans 8:14-16, For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, "Abba, Father." The discussion was that we are all adopted children of God. Again, Why is God ignoring us. The following Sunday was Pro-Life week and our church had a speaker from the County Adoption agency. Sometimes in life we walk with blinders on, God had been revealing himself plain as day to us and we just walked on by. So we finally got the message (thump on the head) and started the adoption process with the county. I will not bore you with the process details as it took us two years. We did not want to rush in and with my job, I am gone most of the summer on Wildland fires. We completed the process this June and was notified last week that we had been selected by a birth mom to adopt her infant boy due August 9th. I will let my wife post about our experience from this point on. I will add this, we had always had a named picked out for a boy or girl for about ten years. We had chosen Jonathan for a boy and Rebecca for a girl. We wanted a strong Christian and biblical name for our son and felt John was a good choice. We did not know until recently when we looked up the name and found out that “Jonathan” is Hebrew for Gift of God, now how fitting is that?!!!